Subject: Personnel cuts
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be
called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board,
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
you receive all the S.H.I.T. you need.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management
