The New And Improved Unofficial R65 Forum V2
General Category => Chit-Chat => Topic started by: Justin B. on January 27, 2007, 08:51:07 AM
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I thought somebody had posted a bunch of Lucas jokes here a while back but I can't seem to find them, BUT I was poking around at http://www.59texas.org and found another list that contained quite a few I don't recall seeing before. Or, I suppose I have seen them before but just don't remember - maybe Lucas had something to do memory failure as well? ;D
Enough rambling, here they are:
The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"
Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.
The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
Lucas dip-switch positions: LOW and BLOW
The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"
Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."
Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.
Recently, Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars from the Black Forest will come with electrics supplied by the Lord of Darkness -- how appropriate!
Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.
The Prince's last words to his son: "don't go riding after dark"
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Hello
A mates dad once told me, a good way to make old brit bikes more reliable, was to remove anything that had lucas written on it, at times i would have to agree!
Lee
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Although I've never had any Brit-Bikes I have had Mr. Lucas' creations bite me a couple of times in the MGs I've owned. But, all-in-all they weren't any worse than the old Volvos I've had/have with their tempermental Bosch electrics! Pretty bad when a lot of folks have a yearly ritual to remove all of the fuses and clean the contact on 'em... ::)
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I now have a BSA.
Can you say "Positive Ground" ? I knew you could!! :D
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Congratulations, and may God have mercy on your soul..... ::)
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The electrical systems of the BSA is deceptively simple...I'm still looking for the "Smoke, Smolder, Ignite" switch though. ;D
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I only had one Lucas equipped vehicle, a '64 Mini 850. Apart from a voltage regulator one day just dying, and the numerous bad grounds (positive, there, said it!!) because of BMC's insistence for using the ground return via tail lenses, rusting mounting screws and body panels, had no real problems, though I only had it for just over a year and a half!
The one big smoke and smoulder was of my own doing. I had made a surround for the central binnacle speedo, in which I mounted the big three gauges, ammeter, temperature and oil pressure. I was careful to disconnect the battery, but reconnected to test the ammeter before sliding the surround into place as it was a very good fit and a bugger to remove install, so I didn't want to remove again if the ammeter deflected the wrong way.
I then neglected to disconnect the battery again after switching off the engine, and decided to just slip the surround into place....big mistake!!! I pushed a bit hard and it slid to one side and jammed, with one of the ammeter terminals wedged against the speedo binnacle, and the resultant smoke from the wire and surrounding sound deadening material (horse hair type stuff) was quite astounding for the few seconds it was there till I managed to wrench it free. Always taught me to disconnect power before working on any part of the electrics.
Bill............................;-)